Say Her Name

I have searched and still can’t find the right words to adequately express my sadness, and if I feel this way, I can’t even begin to imagine how the family and friends of Sarah Everard must be feeling at this time. Every time her picture came up on the screen these past days, I’d look intently at her face, like I was searching for…answers? Her smile looked like that of a kind person and I am certain she was one, and much loved by people in her world. I didn’t see anything that would make her a threat to anyone. So, was it her gender that put her at risk? My heart is racing as I type this question.

I’m appalled, disgusted and even angry that this could happen, why do we do this to one another? Why do we look inward and come up with a reason, any reason at all to even think of hurting a fellow human?

If you have no value for another life, it means you have no value for your own. But your life means something, every life does.

I thought this week was tough on me emotionally as a parent, I had agreed to allow my 11 year old walk home from school, with a couple of well-known, trusted friends of course. It’s only a short walk but I’ve imagined every worst possible thing that could happen on that short walk: a careless driver, a drunk, a bully, a kidnapper just about everything scary.

Then I read the story about Sarah Everard. My fears become justified. I had to remind myself that the spirit of fear wasn’t what God had given me but one of power, love and of a healthy mind. I remembered these words:

"The Lord will keep you from all harm— He will watch over your life." Psalm 121:7

I have had to repeat this over and over again especially these past few days because this is the truth I chose to cling to; I can’t give in to fear. We shouldn’t give in to fear.

We are so utterly powerless yet so powerful if we choose to recognize that we have the power to change things. I know there is only so much that is seems we can do but there is a lot we can do and must do, and it starts with us being accountable, for our actions and actions of those around us.

When even the most random act like taking a walk to a friend’s house, walking your dog or even going to the shops can become the most dangerous thing, that could end up with you losing your life – Who do we blame?

I blame everyone, we all are the ones to blame for this rot in the world we have created for ourselves and our children. If we haven’t actively engaged in all the socials ills that foster this culture of violence and abuse, then we have sat on the side-lines and cheered on with our silence.

It’s not one group against the other, it’s everyone looking for an excuse to carry out some evil act and then provide some sort of excuse for their action e.g. I was stressed; I was provoked; I did not know better; etc

Mental ill health is real, and the stress of the past year hasn’t made things any easier for those sadly affected by it. I’m not offering this up as an excuse as to why these awful things are happening, certainly not, it’s just something that needs to be mentioned as this awful news only heightens the anxiety already caused by the pandemic.

I keep hearing people say things like society was safer years ago, all these evil did not exist and people felt safer. Maybe to an extent it was safer then because the madness of social media was yet to reign. It wasn’t that safe while I was growing up, despite my mother protecting us to a fault. I was almost kidnapped by an uncle (more like a friend of the family) who we hadn’t heard from in months but had stopped me on my way home from school on this fateful day and insisted my Mom had asked him to come get me. He begged me to get in his car, but the thing was, my mom had prepared us for situations like this. Under no circumstances was I to go away with anyone, known or unknown, without seeing a note from my Mom with her signature on. Even in emergencies, there was a process I had been taught to follow. All I had to do was ask him where my mom was, just to hear what he'd say, and he smiled and said he left her at home. I didn’t even bother asking for a note, if there was one my mom would have stressed the importance of him showing that to me first.

I backed away from his car and told him I remembered I had to pick up some books from my friend’s before heading home and I’d meet him at home. He saw the look on my face, and I could tell from his, he knew I wasn’t biting. He sped off and left me with my heart pounding, wondering what in the world had just happened. I walked home on shaky legs, hoping to find him at home and that somehow it was all a terrible confusion on my part. My Mom was puzzled, he hadn’t been to the house, she hadn’t laid eyes on him in months, why would he lie that she had sent him to get me?

We never saw him again.

I was just thankful I had listened to my Mom; I did not want to dwell on what my fate would have been if I had gotten into his car. I was only 14 years old.

We can all do better, to ensure the kids we raise and those we have influence over shun all form of violence and are encouraged to be more compassionate and tolerant of others just as they’d want others to be of them.

Some parents do not care what their kids are exposed to especially on social media, the stories I hear sometimes are so sickening that I wonder why some people chose to have kids if they care so little as to how they are cared for. A parent that allows their 9/10 year old watch content rated only for an 18 year old and above is not doing the child or the society any favour. The conversation that will then ensue on the school grounds when they are relating what they’ve seen is just awful and disgusting, not to talk of the trouble they get into when it reaches the ears of the teachers.

Please we all just need to stop and check ourselves; there is a lot out there that kids can access that seems out of our control, but we can still guide and monitor them. If you can allow your child to use a device you have got to find a way to keep them safe by doing the extra work to ensure they are accessing the right content, suitable to their age and abilities. Let us not unconsciously allow our kids cultivate habits that will endanger them or that will make them a source of danger to others now or in their later years.

Their mental and emotional health is also being affected by what they are being exposed to.

It seems no one is safe now, if it’s not the colour of your skin working against you, then it’s your gender or even your age in some horrific cases. This is not how we are supposed to live. We are not being harmed by aliens sneaking around in the dark, we are being stalked and harmed by our fellow humans.

Men need to speak up louder for women and have honest conversations amongst themselves, likewise women. We all just need to look out for one another.

I’ve just finished reading ‘The Mystery of Mrs. Christie by Marie Benedict’ and while we were discussing it in #EkpesBookClub, which I recently joined on Twitter, I realized the story could easily have been about Archie Christie’s unsolved murder. After all, that is something Agatha could have come up with judging by the brilliance with which she could pen unsolvable murder mysteries! She was terribly hurt and betrayed by a man she cared for deeply, but it didn’t end in her murdering him!

There are rising numbers of gender-based violence, domestic violence, femicides, hate crimes, discrimination, racist attacks, police brutality, human right abuses, all around the world despite calling it out at every turn. We need to keep educating people, young and old.

We must find a way to amplify already raised voices that this has just got to stop!

I'm saddened that this happened to Sarah Everard, I've said her name to remind myself that we have got to do better. I pray peace and comfort for her family at this time.

It's been a roller coaster of emotions and if you are concerned about yourself or a loved one, there are loads of mental health charities, organisations and support groups that are easy to access for expert advice. I’ll stick a link below to the NHS website where you can find more details for each of them, get the help you need:

Get help from a mental health charity helpline - NHS

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