Dear Men

Dear Men

In a bid to defend a husband that cheated, yes CHEATED on his wife after 18 years of marriage, a fellow man was all up in knots, pretzelizing himself while trying to convince you, his fellow men, that monogamy isn't biblical but an adopted 'western concept'. It was also mentioned that monogamy was intended for religious leaders and not for the regular man. 

I can say for a fact that the two opinions above are false and I will tell you why.

Even with or without a sound knowledge of the bible, it's mind blowing for anyone to speak so authoritatively about it's content, without making references to support their claim especially when this is being broadcasted to an audience. There are many ways to research and check information before relaying it on to others, especially if people believe it's coming from a trusted source such as a daytime TV show.

First, let's look at the definition of adultery.
According to merriam-webster.com, adultery is a voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than that person's current spouse or partner.
So, now we have an idea of what adultery is, we can look at what exactly the word of God says about it, not what we think it says but what it actually says.
I grew up learning the ten commandments in the bible and it was a common sunday school exercise to recite them in front of the class, which I didn't really like doing. If I remember correctly, I believe the 7th commandment is about adultery:

“You shall not commit adultery."

Exodus 20:14 AMP

I believe the above is such a concise statement that should not lead to any confusion. Staying on the commandments for a bit, let's look at what the 3rd commandment says:

“You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain [that is, irreverently, in false affirmations or in ways that impugn the character of God]; for the Lord will not hold guiltless nor leave unpunished the one who takes His name in vain [disregarding its reverence and its power]."

Exodus 20:7 AMP

The above commandment is not just to check those of us that love slinging around OMGs, it's about using the name of God in false affirmations. For example in church wedding vows: "forsaking all others..???" Do we really understand what that means?

I know there are many variations of marriage vows, some unique to the couples that write them from the deepest part of their hearts. Maybe some don't have that phrase included but the foundation of these vows are a mix of love, truth and mutual respect for one another. There is usually the promise of fidelity.
It would seem right after all to support those currently clamouring for changes to marriage vows so that it would not have 'for better, for worse, in sickness and in health' in it. Or maybe vows should include 'in faithfulness and in unfaithfulness' so both man and wife is prepared for this? Just kidding!
The word of God does not support unfaithfulness of either party in a union and it is evident in all the scripture that supports this fact.
The union of two beautifully created people can not have the balance tipping in one's favour. Men can not continue to get away with cheating and making babies outside their marriage while women guilty of the same, hide away in shame, scorned and rejected by everyone around them. It is immoral and it should be seen as such for both men and women.

If arguments about the bible supporting polygamy is still based on the lifestyles of Abraham, Jacob, David, Solomon and their likes, thousands of years ago, you are wrong. Jesus said:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’;

Matthew 5:27 AMP

He went further in His explanation, even daring to be as graphic as possible in a spine-chilling manner, knowing the heart of men and their desire to always tailor everything to suit them.

"but I say to you that everyone who [so much as] looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye makes you stumble and leads you to sin, tear it out and throw it away [that is, remove yourself from the source of temptation]; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. If your right hand makes you stumble and leads you to sin, cut it off and throw it away [that is, remove yourself from the source of temptation]; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

Matthew 5:28-30 AMP

We simply can not rewrite the content of the bible to make the taste of adultery less disgusting. It is a wrongdoing, a sin that can be committed by anyone. It is not justifiable, it can never become right and certainly not an act that deserves anyone getting a pat on the back for. It is a shameful act.

"Another thing you do: You flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer looks with favor on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, “Why?” It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.

Malachi 2:13-14 NIV

And there's more:

"But whoever commits adultery with a woman lacks common sense and sound judgment and an understanding [of moral principles]; He who would destroy his soul does it."

Proverbs 6:32 AMP

Now, if a partner's trust has been broken by the other partner being unfaithful, ask for forgiveness rather than act like it was nothing. Give the hurt partner a chance to be involved in how you both move forward from the betrayal, either with forgiveness, acceptance, rage or even separation. Do not make it worse by lying, keeping things from them or trying to make them look like they are somehow to be blamed for your actions. We are all human, yes. Betrayal is just a bitter pill to swallow.

To be clear, my focus here is on what the bible says about adultery and polygamy. I know there are religions that practice polygamy but even with my limited knowledge of those religions, I'm sure they will have a way of doing it respectfully.

So, what exactly is polygamy?
According to Wikipedia, Polygamy is the practice of marrying multiple spouses. When a man is married to more than one wife at the same time, sociologists call this polygyny.

The belief that marrying only one wife should only be applicable to religious leaders based on the verse below is false. It only list being the husband of one wife as one of the things that sets a man apart, to show that he is beyond reproach. That verse alone points out the wrong in having more than one wife!

"Now an overseer must be blameless and beyond reproach, the husband of one wife, self-controlled, sensible, respectable, hospitable, able to teach,"

1 Timothy 3:2 AMP

There are other text in the bible that further justifies monogamy as a way to avoid the temptation of sexual immorality.

"Now as to the matters of which you wrote: It is good (beneficial, advantageous) for a man not to touch a woman [outside marriage]. But because of [the temptation to participate in] sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband."

1 Corinthians 7:1-2 AMP

The text above does not say "let each man have his wives, and let each woman have her own husbands".
Whoever wants to break the trust of their partner will do so, either wilfully or as a result of falling into temptation. Let's just not fall into the murky waters of  twisting the word of God to back up the immoral acts such as adultery.

To wrap up my thoughts, I'd love to share something I recently read, it's the full chapter 5 of the book of Ephesians in the bible, the message version makes it easier to read and understand. It is such a powerful and beautiful bit of scripture that makes so much sense. Please see text below:

"Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that. Don’t allow love to turn into lust, setting off a downhill slide into sexual promiscuity, filthy practices, or bullying greed. Though some tongues just love the taste of gossip, those who follow Jesus have better uses for language than that. Don’t talk dirty or silly. That kind of talk doesn’t fit our style. Thanksgiving is our dialect. You can be sure that using people or religion or things just for what you can get out of them—the usual variations on idolatry—will get you nowhere, and certainly nowhere near the kingdom of Christ, the kingdom of God. Don’t let yourselves get taken in by religious smooth talk. God gets furious with people who are full of religious sales talk but want nothing to do with him. Don’t even hang around people like that. You groped your way through that murk once, but no longer. You’re out in the open now. The bright light of Christ makes your way plain. So no more stumbling around. Get on with it! The good, the right, the true—these are the actions appropriate for daylight hours. Figure out what will please Christ, and then do it. Don’t waste your time on useless work, mere busywork, the barren pursuits of darkness. Expose these things for the sham they are. It’s a scandal when people waste their lives on things they must do in the darkness where no one will see. Rip the cover off those frauds and see how attractive they look in the light of Christ. Wake up from your sleep, Climb out of your coffins; Christ will show you the light! So watch your step. Use your head. Make the most of every chance you get. These are desperate times! Don’t live carelessly, unthinkingly. Make sure you understand what the Master wants. Don’t drink too much wine. That cheapens your life. Drink the Spirit of God, huge drafts of him. Sing hymns instead of drinking songs! Sing songs from your heart to Christ. Sing praises over everything, any excuse for a song to God the Father in the name of our Master, Jesus Christ. Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another. Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.

Ephesians 5:1-33 MSG 

I pray for a deep understanding of these words and the will and grace to make them applicable to our daily living 🙏

Love always
Ige